Excerpt From Chapter One
of Author's Book
Off Ramp to Truancy
False Roads to Manhood
By Frank Chase
Encounter O5 Men's Summit
12 March 2005, Encounter O5 Men's Summit, Shocco Springs Center in Talladega, AL.
A truant is just not interested in living an ordinary life but plays hooky and doesn’t always consider the consequences of his actions. But I don’t think every case of truancy shows men neglecting responsibility. In fact, many men embrace the roles they fill as father, husband, breadwinner, and spiritual leader with joy. They do not feel pressured to appear perfect. However, the constant redefinition of manhood creates and increases apprehension in men to perform. The everyday grind of trying to meet the many standards of what a man should be can cause men to crack under immense pressure; in addition, it can force them to abandon their calling as husbands, fathers, and providers. The unrealistic expectations about manhood cause some truant men to give up on life. When a man walks out on life, he does not realize that he leaves a part of himself behind.
“I never thought my marriage would end in divorce,” is what Eddy said as he described his descent into the depths of truancy. Married for ten years with two sons, he could not understand why or how his marriage fell apart. He and his wife tried to heal the relationship, but a lack of trust permeated throughout their marriage because of Eddy’s early infidelity in the marriage. Growing up in a large family, he remembered the beatings from his emotionally distant father more than any hugs he received. What hurt Eddy the most was that after his father encouraged him to get into a high school sport, he rarely showed up for any of his ball games to support Eddy’s dream to become a baseball player.
Eddy learned the art of no intimacy and no close male friendships from his father. Not until the last two or three years of his father’s life did Eddy try to confront his father about what occurred between them when he was young. I later learned that his father was a competitive ballplayer himself, but never went anywhere in the sport. Could his father’s failure in baseball and subsequent lack of emotional support for Eddy to be a great ballplayer, have set him on a path to truancy and crippled his emotions?
Many different issues, including Eddy’s own mistakes’ birthed truancy in his life. A lack of a close emotional bond with his father contributed greatly to his problems. When Eddy finally managed to get into the minor leagues after he married, the league soon cut him from the team. His dream of playing major league baseball suddenly vaporized and his self-esteem took a nosedive.
He continued to play baseball on local teams with his wife’s support and attendance, which he valued. But when Eddy’s wife voiced concern over his commitment to family or playing sports, frustration surfaced and Eddy isolated himself instead of confronting the issue. His marriage struggled. Baseball added to the tension because many times he had to play out of town. At a moment of weakness, Eddy followed that truancy road to infidelity. Devastated his wife kicked him out of the house because she had lost all trust in him and never regained it.
Without fatherly models, we walk the lonely truancy road not knowing the reality that God’s mercies renew every morning. I likened God to a man with a whip who used guilt to force people to obey him. So in my walk with God, I tried to obey the rules, be quiet, and fear Him. I had a tough time believing in His love.
Many men, like myself, now realize truancy’s impact. We learned how to become men in the grip of truancy without help from a significant male or fatherly figure to endow us with the natural, spiritual, and physical knowledge of true masculinity and manhood. In my younger days, I always had a burning hope that my earthly father would come and rescue me from the abyss of truancy.
Truancy is not always because of the actions of individual men. But to avert truant behavior, we must challenge men by inviting them to consider alternate actions that produce results not frustration. Further, ending a man’s relationship with truancy begins when men can celebrate with other men their manhood with pomp and circumstance as they prepare to enter a different level in masculine growth. Otherwise, if abandoned, young men gravitate towards truancy without guidance, mimic wrong masculine behavior, and never come to know real responsibility as men. What truant men and boys desperately need is a fresh dose of manhood that is not boring but exciting and real. Without this essential dose of manhood, they will inevitably waste their lives trying to silence their deep-rooted pain.
Therefore, we need to stop running from our pain, face it and begin to walk out our destiny as fulfilled men. Further, the fathers and the community of older men should be able to help educate young men and give answers to probing questions about manhood and sexuality. Only these men can pass on principles of trust, respect, leadership, love, and fatherly affection that would enable young men to achieve real manhood. Perhaps many men feel ashamed to admit they learned the facts of life or the facts of ignorance from a peer who also learned it from another peer and not from their father.
Too often, some men fail to receive a father’s nurturing, strength, knowledge, affirmation and firmness. In addition, these men did not receive their father’s loving touch and strong hug. What they received instead was strength, hardness, boldness, toughness and distance. However, they lack important nurturing that comes only from a father. That nurturing includes knowing your father’s sensitivity. Many broken men lack this sensitivity yet desire it in their heart. For example, fathers need to show they can cry, and be empathic and that they need love and hugs as men. There is a solution, however. Fatherless men need not endure their brokenness alone. If the men in the community will accept their roles as father figures and connect with struggling men, that can change a generation. Unfortunately, many men in the community are themselves struggling, trapped and hindered by similar problems and think they cannot help other broken men. But they can because; we all are wounded healers and that if we’ve got something someone else doesn’t—we can share it. But there is hope! Not all men are hurting in the same areas and can fill in the gap for men who have lost their way trying to reach manhood. Thus, healed men must bring truant men back home to enjoy the committed fellowship of real men; those who understand the value of planting good character building seeds into the lives of men lacking a strong man’s influence.
As you can see, truancy affects men in many ways. Truancy leaves
some men as abject failures in life and pushes others to develop an unquenchable
thirst for success at any cost. Unfortunately, their role models
should have been shinning, honest examples of how to confront life, but
turned out as unworthy—in fact, a flicking ember.
To find out more, go to author’s web site www.positivejourney.com
and purchase new book, False Road To Manhood.